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Argh! I feel like a zombie. I've been this way ever since my Dad went into the ICU.

I don't know. We've never gotten along in that "Leave it to Beaver" sort of a way, but still -- the fact is that when I was growing up, he's the guy that I looked to for some sort strength and guidance.

And now to see him, not even able to breath on his own. Needing a ventilator. Heavily medicated so he doesn't try to pull any of his tubes out. (He's always been a stubborn bastard).

I guess the worst part of it is the constant sense of wondering when the next shoe is going to fall. First, he's going in for a doctor's appointment. Then he's in the hospital. Then he's in ICU. Then he can't breathe on his own. Then he's in emergency surgery because there's no circulation to his leg.

Now there's another round of surgery this week and the possibility that he may have to spend the rest of his life in a nursing home.

No idea how we'll pay for a nursing home, if that's what he needs.

I know that I should snap out of it. Get on with my life. Make my movie. Get a better job. Fix up my car.

So damn many things to do yet I struggle to find the strength to do any of them.

This morning I had 12 items on my "to-do" list. 11 of them are still there.

Truly pathetic.

I pretty much hate myself for being this unproductive.

I know that being this way doesn't help my Dad, or anyone else in my family for that matter. It sure as hell doesn't help me.

I just feel like a zombie. Moving through the world. Occasionally making a noise. But never really accomplishing anything.

And most of all, not really living.

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