Thursday, September 30, 2010

Plastic Weddings

Is it possible for a show to jump the proverbial shark, even before they start filming it?

If so, Bridalplasty is the one to have done it. This is the show that demonstrates precisely how low American culture truly has sunk; how deep we are into the primordial abyss.

Competing For Boob Job?
Bridalplasty, for the happily ignorant, is a reality television from E! that crosses extreme plastic surgery with a wedding competition. Brides-to-be will compete on the show in a series of wedding themed challenges in order to win a wish list of cosmetic procedures.

Brides will be voted off the show, at least in the initial rounds, by their fellow brides/ contestants. The last bride standing wins all of the cosmetic procedures that she wants. She then unveils the "new her" at her wedding.

If one listens closely, one can actually hear Simone de Beauvoir spinning in her grave. She has lost her battle. The Heidi Montags of the world have won.

I've already said that I'm not a fan of breast augmentation for most women. I think I should expand that to include the vast majority of cosmetic surgeries.

For the vast majority of women, all that is needed for her to look amazing is a decent wardrobe, a few trips to the gym, and maybe some make up. There are a few exceptions, of course. However, this entire concept that these women need extensive surgery to be the "perfect bride" is absurd.

It's also - and here's the part where the head's of some old-school feminists will explode - contrary to what most husbands want. None of these surgeries, after all, will keep the bride in question from talking during a football game.

Michigan Bloggers Meet Up - September 2010

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Thank You, Mr. Faux Hawk

I was at the bar again last night. (I know, me at a bar. How shocking!)

Rock the Faux Hawk
Anyway, there was this one guy there who tried hitting on every woman in the place. He had a faux hawk hairdo and a fake bake suntan. He was also wearing a Hawaiian shirt and enough cologne that I could smell him from twenty feet away.

This gentleman - and I use that term loosely - was a douche bag. A bag of doucheitude, if you will.

The good news, though, is that with him on the prowl, I looked that much better by comparison. He would swing by a table of blondes and make a fool of himself. When I came by later, my "classic beta" self seemed some much higher up the food chain that I was able to get much farther than he did.

All of this makes me think that should probably hire some guy to act like a total douche bag where ever I go.

Or I can simply rely on the universe to provide an endless supply of douche bag guys.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Cigarette Machine in a Non-Smoking Bar

Cigarette Machine in Non-Smoking  Bar
All of the bars and restaurants in Michigan became 100% non-smoking earlier this year. I was in one of them yesterday - and saw a cigarette vending machine.

I know it's left over from the days when one could legally inhale a group 1 carcinogen in such an establishment. Regardless, the idea of a cigarette vending machine being in a place where one is not allowed to smoke simply amuses me.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Frustration

I do freelance writing and video work to pay my bills. It's a lot better than anything I've ever experienced in the corporate world.

I had one particular project for a certain client who shall remain nameless.  I gave them my first draft of the project. They sent it back to me and requested a multitude of changes, most of which I thought were a bad idea.

I Bill By The Hour...
I reminded my client that I work for them and will do whatever they tell me to do. However, I simply didn't think their requested changes were a good idea. I, of course, went on to explain why I thought this to be the case, in the most professional and diplomatic language I could muster.

Sidenote: I've learned over the years that calling a client an idiot - even when it's 100% warranted - is never a good idea.

Anyway, I presented my client with a new version that was exactly what they asked for. They showed it around to a few people and a couple of days later, I got a request for another round of changes.

The third round of changes, by the way, took the project back to almost exactly what I had even given them in my first draft. At that point, I simply began repeating the Freelancer's Prayer for Serenity over and over.

I am billing these people by the hour.

I am billing these people by the hour.

I am billing these people by the hour.

Anyway, I just sent them the final product along with my invoice. I haven't eaten lunch yet. I think I'll have steak today.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

1,000 Words

The old adage says, "A picture is worth a thousand words." With that in mind, I give you a thousand words about my life last night.


By the way, here are a few more words as a bonus. The Detroit Tigers beat the Kansas City Royals 4 - 2 last night.

There's no better way to spend the last evening of summer.

I Thought I Was Bad


I lost my car keys last weekend while I was at a movie theater. I eventually found them on the floor near my seat. I thought that was bad.


But then I heard about Google Maps.

They managed to lose an entire city in Florida. Specifically, they managed to lose the city of Sunrise, Florida, which is home to more than 90,000 people.

I would like to thank everyone at Google Maps. With this one act of ineptitude, you managed to make me feel a lot better about losing my car keys.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Kristen Bell in a Bikini

Kristen Bell Doesn't Need a Boob Job
I should have posted about this earlier, but I've busy with all of my posts about boob jobs and such. Anyway, I failed to comment on Kristen Bell's appearance on the cover of Shape magazine in a pink bikini.

I'll just say it - it's rather obvious that Kristen Bell has never had a boob job. I like her for that fact.

Well, actually, her lack of a boob job is only one of about a dozen reasons why I like her. But I digress.

Anyway, I just want to say that Kristen Bell looks awesome in that bikini.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Boob Jobs and Bras

I've been thinking about breast augmentation surgery a lot lately. It was one of those weird moments stemming from a recent weekend encounter where - okay, I'll just say it - I was reminded that it's possible to tell which part of a woman's breast is real and exactly where her implant starts, if she has one.

Heidi Montag Has Cold Boobs
The result can be, well, odd at best. Sometimes, however, it can be downright disturbing.

Oh, and did I mention that the temperature of a woman's breast varies if she has an implant? The part of it that is an implant is colder than the natural part.

This is also kind of disturbing.

Very, very disturbing.

It's enough to make me feel sorry for any guy who ends up in the bedroom with Heidi Montag. (I mean, not sorry by a lot. Just a little.)

All of this makes be believe that an old-fashioned padded bra is a lot better than a boob job. They're both nice to look at. However, a Wonderbra or the new BioFit from Victoria's Secret doesn't have all of the weirdness with it.

Better Than A Boob Job
Granted, the aesthetic benefits, if you will, disappear when the bra comes off, which is the one area where a boob job is better. However, I'm fairly confident that by that time, most guys would lost in the moment enough to not care.

If a woman were in a position where she was spending a lot of time topless (e.g., exotic dancers, porn stars, or American Apparel models) then it would be a different matter all together. However, for almost all women, I've come to believe that a bra is better than a boob job.

Plus, a woman can get a lifetime supply of bras for less than the cost of a boob job. This allows her to spend her money on other things, like shoes or buying alcohol for one blogger or another.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Why?

I went to dinner this evening and, at one point, I stepped into the men's restroom.  It was then that I saw this sign.

Please take a look at it and ask yourself:  why would this be in the men's restroom?

Why?  I Mean, Why?
I would almost expect this in a women's restroom. I could even understand it being in a coed one.

But a men's room?

A men's restroom?

There's a part of me that would like to know what kind of "sanitary products" might get flushed down the toilet in a men's room. However, there's an even larger part of me that simply doesn't want to know.

Daily Hot Chick

Philip DeFranco has left his pal Greg in charge of PhillyD.tv for a week while he is on vacation. Greg, in turn, posted the photo below earlier today.

Real, Spectacular, and Temporary
There are two things that come to mind as I look at this picture. First, I believe that this woman's breasts probably are real.

Of course, I also believe that in ten years, they will likely stretch all the way down to her navel.

I suppose we should enjoy them while we can.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Biggest Celebrity Scandal Ever

Meat is Easier than Grammar
Some of the most interesting, quotable comments show in my news feed on Facebook. This is a perfect example, from one of my friends.

In a world of meat dresses and jail bait birdcage dancing, the most shocking thing a celebrity can do nowadays is use proper grammar.

I wonder if Lady Gaga can pull off Strunk & White.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Memo to Bottle Blondes

They say that blondes have more fun. There is even a university study to prove that they do.

Black Lights Don't Like Bottle Blondes
However, there is at least one drawback. Black lights aren't kind to bottle blondes, as I was reminded while talking to one such woman earlier this evening.

I don't know the physics and chemistry behind this. However, I know that when black light hits bleached hair, it makes the hair glow.

Oh, and since the bleaching process almost never works evenly across all of the hairs on a woman's head, some hairs glow more than others. This makes a woman's head a mixture of brightly glowing hair, hair that's only glowing a little bit, and hair that doesn't glow at all.

All of that mixed together.

The end result of this is, um, well, unique to say the least. Regardless of how attractive she was - well, with the exception of the hair - it took all of the restraint I could muster to keep a straight face.

Jihad for Halloween

I had an appointment with my dermatologist this morning. While I was there, one of the nurses asked if I had decided what I was going to be for Halloween this year. Prior to her asking, I hadn't even thought of it.

"Time" to Inspire
However, when she asked, there just happened to be a copy of the August 30 issue of Time in one of the magazine racks that they keep available for patients while waiting. It was immediately behind her when she asked, which means that I was looking at that magazine cover at the same time that I was looking at her.

This, by the way, was the issue that asked, "Is America Islamophobic?".

It must have been an omen or something because an idea popped into my head and out of my mouth before I could think about it any further. Once I said it, I immediately fell in love with this idea.

"This year, I'm going as the Ground Zero Mosque," I told her.

So, yes - for everyone who reads this blog - I can officially announce that my Halloween costume for 2010 will be the Ground Zero Mosque.

I love this not only because that building is constantly in the news. I also love the fact that it enables me to employ a wide variety of one-liners.

Jihad for Halloween
I look forward to walking up to some random woman at one Halloween party or another and saying, "Hey, baby - let me show you my cooking school."

I very well may get slapped for do so. However, I think the laughs will be worth it.

Yes, I will be the Ground Zero Mosque for Halloween this year.

I also want to announce to everyone who reads this blog that I will declare a jihad on anyone in the Detroit area who steals my costume idea. People outside of southeastern Michigan are welcome to use it. However, I want to be the only Ground Zero Mosque in attendance at any of the Halloween parties that I go to.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Heidi Montag Loses It

Heidi Montag hasn't been in the news in weeks.

Heidi Montag Loses It
Strangely enough, she managed to lose her bikini top while swimming in the Pacific Ocean this morning. Luckily, there just happened to be a photographer from the Pacific Coast News nearby to snap a photograph of an essentially topless Heidi Montag and make sure that it ended up on the internet.

We are so lucky that he just happened to be there when Heidi Montag's bikini top "fell off".

I wonder what kind of an accident Heidi Montag will have next.

I guess we'll have to wait until early October to find out. In the meantime, more (almost) topless photos of Heidi Montag are available here.

Sabraine Banado Goes 3-D

I love the British.

Americans created 3-D technology for movies. Brits put it to use for what is clearly its highest purpose - billboards for the Wonderbra.

Sabraine Banado Goes 3-D
Sabraine Banado is the Brazilian model who graces this 20 foot wide billboard near the Waterloo station in London. One needs special glasses to experience "the full effect" of this advert. However, even a blind man can see its intended purpose.

I want to thank all the folks at Wonderbra for taking Sabraine Banado and wonders of 3-D technology to a whole new level. I also want to express my amazement at the skill of British drivers. I'm amazed that there haven't been more traffic accidents in London today.

Of course, I should also express my appreciation for the fact that they went with Sabraine Banado for this one and not Heidi Montag. With her fake boobs, they would've needed to rent a second billboard.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Buy Pretty Underwear

I read about a lot of things on Twitter. It always amazes me how much people can pack into 140 characters.

Hope Dworaczyk Wants Pretty Underwear
For example, Hope Dworaczyk tweeted some advice from the New York Fashion Week.

"Seriously ladies, start buying pretty underwear now," Hope Dworaczyk wrote in an update. "Better yet, hit the gym. So far, everything for spring is super sheer."

I suddenly find myself imagining the woman of America strutting around in super sheer outfits. I think this is a wonderful idea.

I find myself looking forward to spring 2011 already.

My thanks go out to Hope Dworaczyk and the fashion designers of America.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Beer and Boobs Cure Writer's Block

I've written a script for a feature-length science fiction film entitled The Roswell Chronicles. The whole thing is supposed to be a trilogy about this family that finds themselves caught between a greedy corporation and some pissed off aliens.

Anyway, I'm working with some folks to get this movie made. I mention that I always envisioned it as a trilogy.  They ask to see a summary of the next two scripts.

Strippers Cure Writer's Block
I say, "No problem.  I can have a one page summary of each to you by Monday."

Well, here's the problem: I had a general concept of how each film would play, but I didn't have any of the details worked out. I was confident that I could deliver them, which is why I said that, but I didn't have it.

Anyway, as I started to write these summaries, I immediately developed the worst case of writer's block imaginable. If it had happened to anyone else, I would say that it was funny.

Well, long story short, in an act of desperation, I went to the one place where my mind has always relaxed - my local strip club. I settled into a dimly lit booth with a pen and paper, ordered a beer, and started writing.

The surprising thing is that it worked. My writer's block slipped away. I was able to draft the entire first act for my second film, as well as decent chunk of the second act, in an afternoon. I could've continued writing and finished the second act, but I had a meeting this evening that I had to attend.

There is something about the way the black lights illuminate a page that simply inspires me to write a science fiction piece. Plus, the entire atmosphere of such a place is geared towards relaxing one's mind. Of course, I simply love telling people telling people that beer and boobs can cure writer's block.

The thing that I truly wonder about is, since this has been so good at helping me write, can I deduct my bar tab from this afternoon on my taxes?

Monday, September 06, 2010

Monica Bellucci

Voglio Questo Libro
There's a new book out entitled Monica Bellucci. It's a collection of photographs of - not surprisingly - Italian actress and fashion model Monica Bellucci.

Let's see: how does one say "I want this book" in Italian?

Oh, yeah - Voglio questo libro.

Thank you, Google Translate, for the assist.

Benadryl is for Wimps

I've been feeling a bit under the weather for most of this weekend with a horrible sinus headache and lots of congestion. I had to work on Saturday. However, I spent most of my remaining time at home in bed.

Benadryl Is For Wimps
One of my friends finally suggested that I try some of horseradish sauce from Srodek's in nearby Hamtramck. None of the over the counter stuff had worked for me. I decided to give it a try.

To say that this stuff has a kick to it is, without a doubt, a horrible understatement. I generally prefer spicy food, but this stuff kicked my butt.

At first, I couldn't even handle swallowing it. I involuntarily spit it back out. However, and this is the important part, I could feel a difference in my congestion just from the instant that it was in my mouth so I tried it again with a series of smaller doses.

I eventually had one teaspoon of it on some pierogies. Once I was done coughing and sneezing and my eyes stopped watering, I soon felt almost completely better. My congestion is 90%, which is better than any of the over the counter stuff did for me. I'll probably try one more do to knock what's left of this congestion.

Anyway, because I was feeling better, I was also able to go to the canoe race that the Polish Yacht Club had down Jos. Campau, which is the main street in Hamtramck. (Yes, the canoe race was held on dry land. Yes, the Polish Yacht Club is nowhere near water. It's all a play on the "dumb Pollack" shtick that done by a group of fun-loving Polish Americans with a kick ass sense of humor.)

The race started about a minute before I got there. Regardless, you can see a short video clip of it below.



Bottom line: Benadryl really is for wimps and the yacht race is awesome.

Friday, September 03, 2010

Beer Bottle Cooler

Best Bottle Opener. Ever.
I found the coolest beer bucket ever on Charles & Marie.

This stainless steel bucket not only keeps beer cool and accessible. It only has seventeen bottle openers built into it.

Mmm... I'm just imagining what it would be like to open seventeen bottles of beer simultaneously.

I guess everyone needs goals in life.

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Blogger Meet Up

I went to the Michigan Blogger Meet Up yesterday evening. It was fun to meet a bunch of my fellow bloggers in person, especially ones whose work I've been following for awhile.

I got to meet the legendary Hockey Dino (who blogs about "truth, sports, liberty, and chicks") and discovered that I went to high school with his brother.

I also got to meet Lori of Living La Vida Lori and Melissa of Rock and Drool. They each blog about their life as a Mom - along with books, beer, and whatever else they happen to think about.

Oh, and I would be remiss if I didn't mention the joy of seeing Shondira of Intense Auburn again.

Besides hanging out with some folks who are a lot like me (you may extend your sympathy to them), we also shared a few tips on the fine art of blogging. The fruit of those tips will likely be seen more over on my neighborhood blog. I kind of like the pure randomness of this one.

Finally, because everyone had so much information about them on their name tags, I actually found myself saying, "I'm not staring at your boobs. I'm just reading your name tag" to one of my fellow bloggers.

I'm just glad that she didn't smack me. Granted, it will probably become a blog post for her, but that's always a given.

I Blog, Therefore I Am

Anyway, there will likely be another one of these next month. I'm looking forward to it already.

Sometimes the Jokes Write Themselves

There are moments in life when the jokes just seem to write themselves.

For example, over on my neighborhood blog, I wrote about how the tires got stolen from a vehicle belonging to Detroit Mayor Dave Bing's security detail.

Kitty Can't Make This Up
Not to be outdone in the strange but true category comes this headline: "Butts Arrested in Boob Murder Case".

Yes, a man named Samuel Boob of Potter Township, Pennsylvania was tragically murdered on August 23. A third man was recently arrested by police in connection with this case. According to news reports, this man is named Kermit Butts.

Hence, the headline "Butts Arrested in Boob Murder Case".

I swear, I cannot make this stuff up. It's actually rather sad that a man was murdered and I just can't stop from laughing.

To the friends and family of Samuel Boob, please accept both my condolences for your loss as well as my apologies for the giggles.