Monday, March 29, 2010

Quotable Douchebag

My home office, right above my computer, is filled with quotes that inspire me. I have memorable quotes from Abraham Lincoln, Michael Jordan, Frank Sinatra, and many others. These quotes inspire me.

Since I have this collection of interesting quotes on my wall, I was intrigued when I came across a copy of The Quotable Douchebag: A Treasury of Spectacularly Stupid Remarks. None of these quotes are worthy of occupying space on my wall. However, they are all kind of funny in the train wreck that you just can't help but watch sort of way.

This book is a ramshackle collection of the most haughty, self-important quotes of the modern era time. Before anyone even asks: yes, John Mayer is quoted at length.

Suffice it to say, these are quotes from some of the brightest lamest minds of our time.

"Osama bin Laden is the only one who knows exactly what I'm going through."

- R. Kelly

That one from R. Kelly, by the way, is a great way of explaining how it feels to be charged with statutory rape. And by great, I mean pathetic.

"I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe and somebody said I was a snake, I'd think, 'No, actually I'm a giraffe.
'"
- Richard Gere.

Of course, the douchiest of all douchebag comments has to be this one.
"There are many dying children out there whose last wish is to meet me."

- David Hasselhoff.

I still can't believe that David Hasselhoff said that one.

Oh, wait - I can believe it. And that, my friends, is the sad, scary part of this modern American life.


Sunday, March 28, 2010

Reflections on Spring Break

I was watching a spring break special on television the other day. I couldn't help but recall that throughout my college days, I never went on spring break.

My spring break days in college simply meant that I went from working part-time to working full-time for a week. I think that's why I've developed a certain, shall we say, reputation for celebrating.

I have some serious catching up to do.

Anyway, I think that's enough psychoanalysis for one day.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Edmund Fitzgerald Crew Battened Hatches After All

Gordon Lightfoot confirmed yesterday that he would change the lyrics to "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald". His song about the sinking of a freighter in 1975 on Lake Superior originally had a line ("at 7 p.m. the main hatchway gave in") suggesting the crew were at fault for not securing hatches.


However, Mike and Warren Fletcher from the television show Dive Detectives were able to uncover evidence that exonerates the crew. Their show airs on History Television Canada. Unfortunately, it isn't available in the U.S.

I love this news because it illustrates once more the power of television.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Chairman of the Death Panel

Ladies and gentlemen of the blogosphere, I have some excellent news to share.

President Barack Obama has appointed me chair of the Government Health Care Rationing Panel for the Southeastern District of Michigan.

Yes, I am on the infamous "Death Panel" that Sarah Palin and others warned us about previously; the same panel that one right-wing pundit complained about even after the liberal news media told them repeatedly that it didn't really exist.

Sarah Palin, I'm afraid, was right. Death Panels weren't originally in the health care bill.  Luckily me for me, however, President Obama has since signed Executive Order 02111964 to create them.

I, along with a few other shadowy, unelected, and unaccountable individuals, will now determine who gets health care and who doesn't. There are absolutely no limits to the scope of my powers.

I am thrilled to accept this position of authority. However, I am aware of the magnitude of its scope and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. Therefore, I am asking for your help.

Please share with me your thoughts on who my colleagues and I should deny medical care to in the comments section below.

Night Lights on Cool Hunting

The Ferry Building in Auckland is being used for an interactive light display.


I can't help but wonder: what would it be like to do something like this with the Michigan Central Station?

Night Lights on Cool Hunting

Average Americans' words harsh for Obama - Washington Times

Polls like the one below leave me convinced that it is way too easy to get a high school diploma in this country.

Way too easy.

Average Americans' words harsh for Obama - Washington Times

Tiger Woods Once Dated LeAnn Rimes

Reports surfaced this afternoon that legendary golfer Tiger Woods once had a sexual relationship with country singer LeAnn Rimes.

At this point, I'm starting to feel like someone should start a list of the famous women and assorted porn stars that Tiger Woods did not have sex with. It would probably save a lot of ink.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Katherine Heigl Checks out of `Grey's Anatomy' - ABC News

ABC confirmed today that Katherine Heigl will be leaving the cast of Grey's Anatomy. In fact, sources say that her final episode on the show has already aired.

I can't help but wonder what her next role will be. Her IMDb profile lists five different movies that are in development. I'm sure we'll see her on the big screen again soon.

I just hope that she'll stay clear of reality television. She has too much talent for that.

Katherine Heigl Checks out of `Grey's Anatomy' - ABC News

Tiger Woods Mistress Devon James Comes Forward

Devon James became the latest porn star to come forward and say that she had a sexual relationship with Tiger Woods while he was married.

This means that Tiger Woods had at least 15 mistresses during his marriage to Elin Nordegren, including at least 3 of whom were porn stars.

Of course, with 15 mistresses to his credit, one has to wonder if the folks who make video games will update the Tiger Woods game to reflect the sport that he was perhaps most proficient at.

Players, for example, could leave the golf course behind and join virtual Tiger Woods in a dimly lit bar as he pursues his latest conquest. In later stages of the game, players could concoct various schemes to keep his indiscretions a secret.

And then, of course, comes the final level when players would score points by helping Tiger Woods dodge golf clubs that are swung at his head by his pissed off wife.

Call me, EA Sports. We can make this huge.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Captain America + Keira Knightley

There's a rumor going around that the Captain America movie might finally happen and Keira Knightley might have a starring role in it.

I'll forgo the obvious smart ass comments about a British actress staring in a Captain America movie. It is, after all, Keira Knightley.

I, for one, would buy a movie ticket just to watch that woman eat a bowl of cereal in the morning.

Captain America Movie:Channing Tatum Keira Knightley Approached

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Katherine Heigl Almost Flashes a Room Full of People

Darn you, Billy Bush!

I spent months on my diabolical plan to get the ever beautiful and talented Katherine Heigl to have an untimely wardrobe malfunction. My scheme was a most brilliant one, if I may say so myself.

I deviously discovered what kind of a dress Katherine Heigl was going to wear at the 2010 ShoWest Awards in Las Vegas last night several days ahead of time. I then had a specially designed copy of it made; one that would fall apart at just the right moment.

I finally flew to Las Vegas to substitute my "special" dress for her regular one. I almost got caught in Katherine Heigl's hotel room as I was making the switch. Regardless, I managed to pull it off.

I am, after all, a diabolical genius.

As I settled back to watch the fruits of my sinister labor, I knew that all was going perfectly with my evil plan. Katherine Heigl would soon have the nip slip of the century.

I even laughed my diabolical mad scientist laugh when Katherine Heigl's dress finally did start to fall apart as she was accepting her award for Female Star of the Year.

But then Billy Bush ruined everything.  He rushed in to hold up Katherine Heigl's dress for her and save her from flashing millions of people - myself included.

Darn you, Billy Bush. I shall have my revenge upon you yet.

Katherine Heigl Tries to Flash a Room Full of People and Other Compulsions - Katherine Heigl - Gawker

Thursday, March 18, 2010

InsideOut Champagne Glass Set

I found these inside out champagne glasses on-line. It's a normal champagne flute that is hollowed into what would otherwise be a solid tube of glass.

I don't own any champagne glasses. In fact, prior to seeing these glasses on-line, I never seriously considered buying any.

However, I have to admit that there's something about this design that makes me want to have them in my home.

InsideOut Champagne Glass Set - US Store View

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Bring Lost Cameras Home with a Digital Summoning Spell

I found this cool way to improve the odds that one's lost camera gets returned.

Bring Lost Cameras Home with a Digital Summoning Spell

Drink Half Dozen Beers Every Day

It finally happened. I finally found a physical fitness program that I can stick to.

It turns out that drinking a half dozen beers every day can actually improve one's heart.

Cardio, shmardio.

I'll take another beer and drink a toast to the medical researchers who changed my world.

Drink half a dozen beers every day and have a healthier heart -
Health News, Health & Families - The Independent

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

The Good Samaritan

I was reminded this evening that there are still some very kind and genuinely honest people left in the world.

I made the mistake of leaving my credit card behind, inside one of those self-serve machines, at Kinko's. As soon as I realized what I had done, I rushed back to the store in a panic.

It turns out that some random stranger had found my credit card and turned it in to the store's management. A quick check with my bank confirmed that there were no unauthorized charges to my account.

To the unknown person who did me this great favor, I simply say "thank you!"

Disappointed

I'm disappointed that, during a discussion this afternoon about the federal budget, I actually had to explain what an earmark is to an adult.

The standards for getting a high school diploma in this country are way too low.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Questions, Questions

There are certain questions that I find myself wondering at odd times.

Earlier this evening, for example, I found myself wondering, on a scale of 1 - 10, how incredibly wrong is it for one to celebrate International Women's Day at a strip club?

And does generous tipping of the dancers make this more appropriate or less?

Yes, these are the things that I wonder about.

Sunday, March 07, 2010

8 Hours Until Oscars

The 82nd Annual Academy Awards are now only a little more than eight hours away. I usually make predictions in each of the categories.

This time around, however, I feel like doing things differently. My Oscar prediction for this year is that the folks at YouTube will be spend most of their day tomorrow taking down videos in response to copyright complaints from ABC and the Academy.

What's your prediction?