Friday, September 19, 2008

If the Universe is Granting Wishes...

The universe has this weird habit of sending me things that I ask for. Some of those things have been chronicled on this blog.

This past July, when I got my new hearing aid, I quietly said that I wanted to go to rock concert - just to hear how things were supposed to sound. A few hours later, I was rocking it out with Mitch Ryder and Mark Farner, formerly of the Grand Funk Railroad.

A few weeks later, I posted about how the song "Next Ex-Girlfriend" by Bowling for Soup perfectly described my feelings at that moment about the fairer sex and how I just wanted to find my next ex-girlfriend. Almost on cue, the universe delivered a woman to me who was perfectly qualified to be just that - my next ex-girlfriend.

Now that my most recent ex-girlfriend is out of the way, I find myself thinking more and more about what it is that I'm looking for in a life partner. More importantly, since so many of these things that I wish are granted, I figure that I ought to post it here - almost as an experiment, if you will.

The best way to explain what I'm looking for is something that Patti Stanger once said. She is the host of Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo.

I only rarely watch the show. However, on its very first episode, she explained that every man secretly dreams of a wife who is essentially a combination of three women.
  1. Martha Stewart in the kitchen;
  2. Mary Poppins in the nursery; and
  3. Madonna in the bedroom.
So, yeah...

If the universe could introduce me to such a woman, I'd be really, really happy.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I Invented Porn

The McCain campaign took credit for inventing the BlackBerry earlier today. I'm sure that the folks at Research in Motion were surprised to hear of his involvement in this process.

Quite frankly, though, I'm thrilled that McCain has done this. It's not that he's stupid, out of touch or anything like that.

No, no. It's nothing like that.

I'm excited because if John McCain can take credit for inventing the BlackBerry then that means I get to take credit for inventing pornography.

There. I said it.

I, Frank Nemecek, invented porn. I invented it all, right on down to the bow-chica-bow-wow sound effect.

For those readers who have come to appreciate the brilliance of my invention, I will simply say this: I am now accepting royalty payments. I might add that bottles of Jack Daniels are my preferred form of currency.

Let's face it - that's what the cash would end up as anyway. We may as well cut out the middle man.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Are the Fundamentals Still Strong?

The financial world became an even bigger mess today. Lehman Brothers, one of the world's largest brokerage firms, filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection today. My former employer, Merrill Lynch, agreed to a take over by Bank of America because they know that it's the only way they can avoid bankruptcy. One of the largest insurance companies in the nation, AIG, is currently begging for up to $75 billion in loans so it can stay solvent.

In the middle of all of this, I can't help but wonder: are the fundamentals of our economy still strong?


It's days like this when I'm glad I left the financial services industry.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Mr. Cohen Meets the Matchmaker

Once upon a time, the local matchmaker Mrs. Shapiro went to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Cohen, don't wait too long," she told him. "I know just the woman for you. Just say the word and you'll be married in no time!"

"Don't bother," replied Cohen, "I've got two sisters at home who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good, but, Mr. Cohen, all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

Cohen took a deep breath and replied, "I said I had 'two sisters' at home. I didn't say they were my sisters!"

I got this one in my email from one of the coolest models around, Jessica M. Jones. When I saw it, I had an uncontrollable desire to share it with the world.

And now I have.

Thanks, Jess!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Impregnating Keira

Keira Knightley recently told the New Zealand publication Stuff that she wants to become pregnant, just to stop the anorexia rumors. Personally, I think it would be a lot easier for her to make a few stops at the nearest McDonald's but that's just me.

Of course, there's a bit of twist with her plan to end the rumors because her long-time boyfriend Rupert Friend has said that a) he has no intentions of proposing marriage to Ms. Knightley and b) he doesn't want to have children anytime soon.

Now, if you listen very closely, you will almost certainly be able to hear the sound of a thousand horny men booking a flight to London in an effort to help Keira Knightley out of her dilemma.

And they say chivalry is dead.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

9/11 TM

It's been seven years since September 11th became more than the anniversary of my brother's birth. Much has changed in the past seven years - some of it for the better, but some definitely for the worse.

Keith Olbermann summed up much of what I've been thinking in his special comment last night. He said it all better than I could have so I'll let him say it here.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Ex-Girlfriend Update

It's been almost two weeks since I posted my desire to find my next ex-girlfriend and how the Bowling for Soup song of that name perfectly described my feelings. The universe, of course, promptly brought a woman into my life who was perfect for being my next ex-girlfriend, which is also something that I blogged about a couple of weeks ago.

Since then, it's official: she is my ex-girlfriend.

The thing that led me to give her the ol' heave hoe a little earlier than expected? Well, it was when she told me that there's an outstanding warrant for her arrest.

As a blogger who reports about life on the dating front, I'm just going to say this: if/when a person that you're dating tells you that there is an outstanding warrant for their arrest then it is time for you to end the relationship.

If the woman in question happens to be rather skinny with natural D-cup boobs then I suppose a man might be tempted to let the arrest warrant slide. However, I have to insist that doing so is never a good idea.

Really.

This has been a public service announcement from the Voices in Frank's Head.

Obama Force One

Thanks to the American Princess and D-Tales, I found this:

I did some poking around on-line. I found another version of the Obama Force One sneakers that I think is even cooler than the one they found.

These shoes are the perfect thing for one to wear while walking across the Bridge to Nowhere that Governor Sarah Palin lobbied for back in 2006 - 7.

Ms. Palin, of course, keeps saying that she "told Washington 'thanks but no thanks'" now that she's out on the vice presidential campaign trail. However, there's too much documentation to back up her lobbying efforts for her to get away with it - no matter how lazy the mainstream media is.

I love the Internet. I really do.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

The Palin Gimmick

It's always interesting what various pundits will say when they think that no one is listening to them. We had something along those lines today on MSNBC. Republican political consultant Mike Murphy and Reagan speech writer Peggy Noonan made a few disparaging comments about vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin.



I love the fact that they called her a "gimmick". Too damn funny.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Barack Obama in Detroit

U.S. Senator Barack Obama was in Detroit yesterday for the Labor Day march. His speech was brief, but very effective in my opinion.

Because it's Obama, the full speech is available on YouTube.